That is definitely an emotional state in our house. “A bit January” sums up feeling a bit blue, out of sorts or fed up. I’m not saying anything new here about this time of year, and it’s been expressed a million ways before. Last Monday (16th Jan) was officially the ‘worst day of the year’, you know the one; 3rd Monday in January, when we haven’t been paid yet, but have all the Christmas bills to pay, the New Years Resolutions are already wearing thin and the signs of Spring are not quite here to brighten things for us.
But in our house “A bit January” is a call out for help when we just need a push in the right direction, a few words of encouragement or even just a big hug. I coined it last year when I realised that what I was feeling wasn’t just New Year blues, but actually depression. It took me until the end of February to get to the doctors to talk about it properly, and another month or two to pluck up the courage to start on the tablets she had prescribed me (after talking through lots of other options). As an aside, the support from my GP was superb and is what got me through those early days.
Anyway, I said it again this morning for the first time in ages. Life has been ok for the last few weeks, but something’s missing. I’m feeling the unrequited frustration of a creative type or crafter without a project (or with several unfinished projects), with lots of ideas, but no time to complete them. With new resources and materials (a recently added to ‘stash’ of fabric) but no space to sit down and work.
And then there’s the garden. Oh the garden… so much to do out there, and now is just the time to start. Turning the earth, sowing seeds, planning what is going to go where. I have weddings this year to grow for, and I need to get on with it, but the motivation isn’t quite there. I think this too, is the depression. Having a million and one dreams, but not the energy to start, which creates a million and one excuses not to start and ends with a feeling of flatness, of unresolved frustration and sense of uselessness and questioning ones own worth. Wow, that was heavy!!
I’m not sure how I start to deal with all of this, and I think this is my reason for writing this blog. I’m in a job I have to keep doing for the foreseeable future, so how do I balance work and family life with what I want to do for me? Is it selfish to want to sit in another room, in the quiet, to sew or knit? Is it unfair to the kids to ask them to play at home at the weekend so I can garden rather than taking them out for the day? (I think I know the answer to that one, they do have their own garden space, plenty of toys and the opportunity to go to friends or have friends over – they wouldn’t be bored, but do our weekends have to be purely family time?)
I need to find some answers….